Parenting Adult Children: Sometimes Silence is most effective

I have found silence to be an effective way to engender communication with my adult children.
I first stumbled upon this technique when my daughter, the eldest, was in college and was being rude when I called to check in on her.She would talk to me distractedly, act annoyed as though I was bothering her, hold side conversations with her roommates and visitors, etc.  It seemed that I was always interrupting something and catching her at the wrong time.

I tried to set up a regular time to check-in with her, hoping this would make her more receptive but this didn’t work, in part because of the spontaneity of dorm life and in part because she was trying to become her own woman and hadn’t yet realized she didn’t have to dis me to do so.

So one day, I stopped calling her and decided to wait for her to notice my silence, miss me and call me on her own.  It was an agonizing three weeks until she called me.When she did, I listened to her news and chatter and didn’t try to extend the conversation.  We had a better conversation than we’d had in a few months.  Eureka, I thought, I’ve got something here!

Even since then, whenever I sense that she’s “not feeling me” or working through something she’s not yet ready to share, or very busy in her life, I give her space, sending a brief “have a good day” or “hope you are well, love you” message via  text, email or voice mail. 

It works wonders.  She misses me.  She calls me in her own time, on her own terms.  The communication is richer because it is not forced.  Keeping in touch with adult children occurs frequently and naturally  for some families.  For others of us, the communication is less frequent and can be fraught with drama. There can also be noticeable differences in the frequency and type of communication with different children.  With both of my children, I've found silence to be a golden key that gives dividends in communication. 
- Candelaria Silva-Collins

Parent411 Note:

Faina and I have lots of experience dealing with children of all ages.  We like to share this in groups with parents and people who work with parents.  Contact us at parent411@gmail.com to set up a workshop or facilitated conversation with your group.  Visit the website: http://parent-411.com/